Today, instead of being negative and horrible, I want to be positive and nice, and to that end, I’m writing about things that I like about the bus, proving that even a scrooge like me can appreciate pleasant things in this life.
Awesome drivers
When it comes down to it, the quality of the bus ride is usually dependent on the quality of the driver. A lot of times, the driver is neutral; he or she doesn’t say a whole lot, but does the job competently and without aggression. That’s par for the course. Sometimes, however, you get a driver who is just so amicable that it almost feels like a shame to get off the bus. I had this guy last year that would always say “God bless” when you stepped off, and give a little courtesy wave; he was one of the best drivers I’ve had. Then there was a guy who drove the night shift who had a seemingly inexhaustible good nature; he would talk with his passengers, tell them what it’s like to drive the nights, all that. Or, if he didn’t have anyone with whom to speak, he would quietly sing to himself or otherwise keep himself entertained. These guys are the best, and they truly make the experience worth having.
“Thank you” guys
It’s a common thing on the bus for you to say “thank you,” or give a wave or something, to the driver as you depart. I’m not sure why, because you’re basically thanking them for doing their jobs, but people do it, and it’s a nice gesture, and that’s about all the justification there is. I would say about fifty percent of the riders I see do this, which isn’t in and of itself very interesting. Sometimes, I can tell who will thank the driver, just by their appearance and demeanor, and sometimes not. What I adore is when someone who looks really scummy and rough and maybe dangerous thanks the driver; it gives me a very small warm fuzzy.
Old people that give their seats to those who can’t walk too well
As another general rule on the bus, people are supposed to give up their seats for either the elderly or the people with walking troubles. Again, maybe fifty, forty on a bad day, percent of people actually do this. It’s always nice to see it, too, because it’s kind of refreshing; it’s like being reminded that there are actually some good people in the world. What’s even more encouraging is when someone for whom one would give up their seat actually gives up their seat for someone else. They have the best excuse not to give up that seat, and yet they do it anyway. I consider those people heroes, for, like, a second, and then I forget and keep staring out the window.
One last thing: there’s this very funny sign that some buses have that just tickles me, though I hate the way it’s worded. This sign:
I think the world would be a better place if we were all everyday safe.
Ah yeah, linkin’ it up all in here! http://www.valleymetro.org/
Small people talk about things of immediacy and proximity, while big people concern themselves with more worldly things. Or something like that. Anyway, that’s my way of segueing into today’s topic, which is a couple of the things that affect the bus but aren’t actually part of the bus (with one exception). Let’s do it!
Stupid people
Since the bus shares the road with all the other drivers, it must also share the road with all the other terrible drivers. And wowee are there some doozies out there. People that run red lights, people that pull out in front of the bus, and people that go approximately one mile per hour in front of the bus when all the other lanes are totally clear. Admittedly, I only see the latter two in my commutes, but we all know that people run red lights all the time. It’s, like, a national pastime. But when people pull out in front of the bus, oh good lord, you can just expect to be thrown forward by the violent stopping. I like to look at the driver whenever this happens to see if I can see the annoyance on his or her face.
I'm watching you, Laser Options, Inc., you crafty so-and-so.
Slow people
Alright, alright, this isn’t completely outside the bus, per se, but I touched on it once already and feel that it needs to be emphasized once again. Some people decide to show up and get on the bus at the last conceivable second, which actually screws up the bus schedule more than would seem natural. Plenty of times I’ve missed my bus connection by a minute or less because of this type of person. Equally unpleasant is the person that gets off at the last conceivable second; I know I’ve said this before, but this results in a very unbecoming lurch from all inside the bus. This doesn’t seem to mess up the schedule as badly as the former, though.
Lots of people
This is the most blameless subsection—traffic. There usually isn’t one person responsible for this gridlock nightmare, which is almost worse, because all you can do is sit in that seat and watch as your margin of time between now and your next connection shortens and then blips out of existence. It’s a kind of Chinese chronological-water torture. I can only imagine how it is for the bus driver, who I imagine faces some manner of consequence for being late. That’s actually a common, though heretofore unstated, motif in what I’ve been writing: it’s probably worlds worse for the drivers than the passengers. On that indirectly optimistic note, I’ll end. It allows a nice, tonally appropriate transition into the next post anyway.
Here’s the link, sans Zelda: http://www.valleymetro.org/
So, let’s talk about etiquette. No snazzy introductions, no clever analogies, no third thing to complete the rule of three in this sequence. I would like to note, however, the difference betwixt this post and the twin posts discussing things about the bus that I hate. This post is concerning the unspoken rules that all (most) passengers follow; not petty, mostly-subjective things that aren’t actually too consequential.
See No Evil
One of the primary rules that all commuters seem to follow is the “don’t make eye contact” rule, which is as simple as it sounds. Don’t look at other riders except for moments at a time, and if they look back at you, look away. Why do we riders hate the possibility of human contact so? Because everybody thinks that everybody else is dangerous, stupid, a generally terrible person, or some combination of all those. And, I don’t know, eye contact makes them aware of you or something? Honestly, I can’t explain it, but that’s how it is.
Sit Next to No Evil
Just because the bus is small doesn’t mean it needs to be crowded; that’s the mentality behind this rule: don’t sit right next to someone else unless they invite you to do so. This is an extension of the first rule, and the idea behind it. No one wants to socialize on the bus, and that beautiful solitude is best shared with at least some modicum of personal space. A lot of the time, people will indicate that they don’t want someone to sit next to them by placing their bag down in the adjacent seat, or by angling their bodies such that a prospective sitter would have to accommodate that person’s knees. The only exception to this rule is for beautiful girls or guys; they can sit wherever they please, because we bus folk are a lonely, lonely race.
Nope, no evil here.
Stand in the Front of the Line of No Evil
If you’re new to the bus scene, you probably don’t know how to pay your fare; it’s not quite intuitive enough to be common knowledge, and it isn’t important enough to independently research. But if you’re new, for the love of gosh, don’t be the first person to pay in a line of riders. You take up so much time asking questions, fumbling around, and generally being a blight (aren’t I a pleasant person?) This rule is actually probably more important where I live, in Arizona, than other places, just because people tend to hate having to stand out in the sun while some ninny-head clogs up the system.
Exit Through the Entrance Door of No Evil
On the topic of clogging up the system, one more unspoken rule is not to exit the bus through the same door by which you entered, especially, ESPECIALLY, when there are other people waiting to get on. I see this every week; some person, usually an older, but not elderly, person wearing a clueless expression wanders out the entrance door, squeezing past the person who wants to get on. I was tempted to put this in my post about stuff I hate, but decided against it for some reason. I don’t think I get quite worked up enough for it. But it’s annoying, don’t doubt it!
Speaking of annoying, here’s my perfunctory link: http://www.valleymetro.org/
How many of you were ever in a school play? Did you ever forget your lines and improvise something? How did that work out for you? The reason I’m asking is to illustrate a point, which is that having to figure out how to get to your destination after your original plan (assuming you had one) is one of the least pleasant things.
So, the first step to this eventual debacle is figuring out your schedule in the first place. The difference between ease and difficulty on this step is entirely contingent upon your access to a computer. If you have one, then you can use that marvelous Internet thing to get your schedule figured out. If not, you need to rely on one of those handy transit books, the giant bus departure-arrival schedules at transit centers, or whatever information you can glean from strangers. Having fun yet? I certainly am. (You know what else is fun? This link: http://www.valleymetro.org/)
This is the transition bit—the part where you watch your plans disintegrate, knowing you can’t do a thing to stop it. This can be due to a couple things. Sometimes, you just miss your bus. Sometimes, your bus is late because of traffic or something. Sometimes, you simply miscalculated or misread your schedule in the first place. Sometimes, though rarely, the bus will see you at the stop but drive right past you anyway; unlikely, yes, but it happened to me today. The point is, these things can come to pass right in front of you, and you almost never have the ability to change the situation. It’s one of the most helpless feelings you can experience.
Many times I've realized now how lost I am, staring out these gates to the outside world.
The last part is the improvising. What do you do once you’re adrift without a plan? Up the creek without a paddle? Yes, this is where creativity, and sometimes sheer determination, can be a life-saver. Creativity can only be useful when you know the bus routes and the times at which the busses come by, which comes with months of experience. If you have the necessary knowledge, you can find a bus that will take you the same place, sometimes. Alternatively, you can just walk to wherever you’re going. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it’s not always a good idea. Yes, just waiting for the next one bus is easier. But patience can wear thin, and walking is a neat way to keep yourself occupied.
Knockin’ out the link early this time! http://www.valleymetro.org/
One of the things people tend to care about is cleanliness, and one of the things people tend to shirk in large numbers is responsibility. You might see where this one is going already, but I’ll tell you outright, mostly to avoid another belabored, dance-around-the-issue introduction. Today, we’re discussing bus (and, briefly, bus stop) cleanliness.
The first topic is both the most important and the least important, depending on your opinion on the matter. Also I’m very aware of the vagueness of that statement; the alternative would be saying something like “depending on the permeability of your pants,” which would sound weird. Anyway, it’s the state of the seats on which you sit. Sometimes, they’re clean. Sometimes, they’re sticky. Sometimes, they have a used tissue on them. The reason that this can be both the most and least important thing is that some people don’t care about sitting on that stuff, as the only thing that’ll be actually affected is the seat of their pants, while others do care.
On the topic of seats, let’s talk about a kind of niche complaint: bus passes and other bits of paper stuffed between the seats. This isn’t a huge deal, but it’s big enough to be noticeable. The thing I wonder, though, is by what logic bus riders decide to stick their passes in between the seats. Shouldn’t they keep them until they’re absolutely certain that they won’t be needing them? And why slip those passes in between the seats, anyway? Why not put them in your pockets or your purse? It’s just odd, is all.
Now that we got that off our chest, let’s talk graffiti. Every bus has it, though some have significantly less than others. Some just have scratches on the windows, while others have actual written insignias. It’s kind of interesting, actually, to imagine the people that are responsible for these tags. Like, do certain gang members ride the bus and notice their rivals’ tags there or something? I also see a lot of initials and heart shapes, suggesting that a lot of young lovers also ride the bus. How romantic.
This isn't romantic. Then again, I can't even read it, so maybe it is.
At this point, I now step off the bus, and check out the bus stop. These things also are usually in some state of disrepair. A lot of them have trash strewn about in their vicinities, and the ones that I’ve seen have ants marching about. The trash too is usually full of nasty things, which isn’t in itself out of the ordinary; it’s some of the things I’ve found there that perplex me. A pair of Halloween gloves, a pair of pants, and a large knot of metal wires, to name some of the most memorable finds. It’s a strange world, sometimes.
Riding the bus is a fairly simple thing, no? Well, yeah, but at the same time, not really. See, after writing about some of the things that I hate about the bus, I reflected on my actions and came up with a few more. Let’s enumerate those things, shall we?
There’s only one of you; act like it
This one goes out to all the people who occupy more than one seat (including me; yeah, I’m calling myself out here). Taking up two, and sometimes three, seats at once is a pretty selfish thing. Granted, when there are, like, two people on the whole bus, it’s not an issue, but when it’s crowded to the point where people are standing in the aisles, leaving your bag (or worse yet, having your legs up) in the abutting seat is totally uncalled-for. It’s sharing, people. We all learned this at some point in our lives, even if that point is right now as you read this.
Empathy, and the people who don’t have it
On the subject of taking up seats, I’d like to point out (not to myself this time, thanks) that old people too are a part of the transit-using community, no matter how much some people may want to ignore them. When an old person (or a crippled person, or a pregnant lady, or a crippled, old, pregnant lady) steps onto the bus, common courtesy dictates that they should be given the closest seat so that they don’t have to walk all the way down the bus corridor. A lot of the time, say, fifty percent, though, I don’t see people get up to offer their seats. They just do that blank stare thing that tells the rest of the bus that they’re not to be disturbed, because they must have a lot on their mind; you know the stare about which I’m talking? The one you use as a defense mechanism when faced with an uncomfortable, unavoidable social situation. Anyway, that. And it makes me kind of mad.
Music? More like “disturbing-the-passengers-ic!” Haha!
I like to listen to music. A lot of people do, and I’m one of them—it’s just a thing that I like to do. Some people like to play video games, some people like to dead-lift furniture, and some people, like myself, like music. But as much as I like music, what I don’t like is having it turned up on my daily commute to school (or wherever I go) for all the passengers to hear. Do you remember in my post where I talked about people who have loud, explicit conversations on the bus? This is basically a reiteration of that, but with music swapped for discourse. What makes this worse, though, is that you know, just know, that the bus driver’s patience is slowly wearing thin, and sooner or later, he or she is going to tell the passenger to turn the music down. What’s so bad about that, you may ask? Because I think a lot of us have the idea that a lot of bus drivers are national tragedies waiting to happen, and making one even slightly upset certainly isn’t going to help the situation.
This post comes to a grinding halt as a terrific analogy of my next point
A bus has a schedule to adhere to, and time to keep; that is why the busses will sometimes move along at a pretty good clip between stops. Obviously, people will still get off, but they’ll often have the courtesy to signal for their stop far in advance, allowing the driver to slow down at non-lethal rates. Sometimes, though, that doesn’t work out; sometimes, a rider will pull the cord perhaps ten feet from the next stop, and the driver lays on the brakes, sending people flying into the aisles. It’s kind of like a carnival ride for which nobody signed up. I think this is the most irritating thing on my list because it’s the only entry that’s physically jarring, and often caused by unimaginable lack of observation or planning skills. That is the end of my rant.
This is not an acceptable distance from the stop to pull the cord. Nor is it an acceptable angle, but I get the feeling that my point comes across well enough.
Hey, check it out! A link! http://www.valleymetro.org/
Diversity is nice, yes? Who doesn’t love seeing many different cultures gathered together in one big metal tube on wheels? I know I do. Riding the bus or train is a fantastic way to see all the different people the world has to offer. For instance, when else can you have a mom with three kids on one side of you and a pair of fresh-out-of-jail guys on the other? For the sake of succinctness, I’ll go ahead and classify the most common bus-riders, with funny(ish) titles.
These are the average bus riders. This post isn't about them.
The zookeeper
You’ve all seen this one, even if you don’t ride the bus. A mother, sometimes alone, sometimes with a man, sometimes with another woman, and anywhere between one and seven kids. When this ensemble steps onto the bus, a noticeable hush goes over the riders; it’s like a storm front cresting the horizon, and, in fitting with the analogy, is often accompanied by a terrible, window-rattling sound. The children that she brings with her spill into the bus like ants, steadily making their way to the back, leaving an echoing hush behind them. Then they just sit and make noise in the back; sometimes it’s screaming, sometimes it’s laughing, and sometimes it’s actual speaking (if they’re old enough).
The “I can’t believe I just got out of jail” guy
These can be deceptive, as you won’t always recognize them by sight. Rest assured, though, you’ll hear all about it. These come on either alone or in pairs; if they’re alone, they’re not that interesting. In pairs, though, they really spin a thread—tragedy, comedy, revenge, triumph, failure. It’s some of the most candid stuff you’ll ever hear from a stranger. And the weird thing is, these people (in my experience) never actually seem that threatening; they always seem happy to get out and not at all angry about it. Though they usually are angry at something else, like their ex girlfriend or whatever.
The wheels on wheels
These guys are instantly noticeable. They roll up into the bus on the ramp that the driver sets down, displace a few seats, and snuggle down in their wheelchair. This is also the only rider that can be reasonably divided into a couple of subcategories; the fat, the legitimately handicapped, and the old. These are all self-explanatory, but I feel I must make mention of the fact that sometimes these people will put forth the effort to secure themselves, instead of letting the bus driver do all the work. I appreciate that.
The class of, like, twenty
These riders get on every day, around three o’ clock or so. They’re all high school students, fresh out of class, and ready to go to wherever they call home. They come on a lot like the mother with children, that is, loudly and obnoxiously. It’s like the bus just became their cafeteria or something. And they always, always, fill up the seats and the aisles. A lot of the time, they sit together or stand next to each other, but sometimes there’s on odd person out who winds up sitting next to a stranger. It always tickles me (metaphorically) when one of the high school girls has to sit next to some old, down-and-out guy; I just know he’s thinking to himself “jackpot!”
The suit and tie
This person invokes so many questions in me. Why does he or she ride the bus, when he or she is so clearly of a socio-economic status that does not even come near this type of transportation? Why does he or she look so casual about it? What’s his or her story? Why have they no car? Is it in the shop? Did it get impounded? Regardless, these are the most enigmatic riders on my list.
The precise opposite of the above paragraph
Last, and least, is the person who’s so low on the socio-economic scale that it’s kind of a surprise to see him or her on the bus at all. I’m talking, of course, about the homeless person. These people perplex me, because they seem to be the least reliant on the busses for transportation. For one, why can’t they walk to wherever they’re going? For two, why do they need to go anywhere in the first place? The only possibility I see is that they’re going to stay at some friend or family member’s house, which happens to be across town. But the ones that get off only after riding for a few blocks… I don’t even know.
Also, since we’re here, let me explain one housekeeping thing. I decided to take pictures myself for this blog, but, as it turns out, it’s nigh impossible to get any good pictures of the people on the bus without garnering some rather hostile looks. So for my more people-oriented posts, a lot of the imagery will be coming from your imagination. C’est ne pas mal, n’est-ce pas?
Also, here’s your link, as usual: http://www.valleymetro.org/
So, we all know how chasing down a bus isn’t the most fun way to spend your day. But what about actually riding the thing? After a little thought, I’ve decided to list some of the things that make riding the bus really annoying. Just in case you need to be dissuaded from taking a ride. Oh, and I’ve listed these in order from least annoying to most.
Oh how you try me sometimes.
Sex, guns, and rock ‘n’ roll. Yeah, we need to hear all about this bender of yours.
This one goes out to the non-solo bus riders—the riders who go with friends, or a phone, and are thus uninhibited, conversationally speaking. And these conversations tend to get unseemly, at best. I cite now the time when I heard a girl who looked younger than I (I’m a twenty-something, for non-classmate readers) talking on the phone about her cocaine usage, and how it was interfering with her schoolwork.
It’s not that these people bother me for what they’re saying, it’s that they bother me on principle. Who on the bus would want to hear about all this stuff? It’s just impolite, is all.
"Oh-em-gee I just snorted this HUGE line of coke ell-oh-ell whatever."
If the bus were a mouth in winter, these would be its teeth.
This one isn’t actually about the people; weird, right? In order to accommodate the people who use wheelchairs or scooters, certain seats need to be able to be lifted up; this means that they have to be attached fairly loosely. On occasion, I find myself to be the only rider in the bus, and if we’re on a particularly bumpy road, those seats go crazy. It’s like sitting in a blender full of ball bearings, and there’s nothing I can do about it. This is also the most paltry of my complaints, but I don’t care.
Shut up already!
Are you seriously that fat that you can’t be bothered to walk the half block to your destination?
Bus stops are interspersed about half a block, or perhaps a quarter-mile, apart, with a couple exceptions. If you’ve ever walked that distance (you have), you should recognize that it isn’t that difficult. Yes, I realize that some people are in wheelchairs or are too unhealthy or old to walk; that’s fine. These are the healthy, fit people about whom I’m complaining here.
Anyway, every now and again, someone will get on the bus and sit down, and then pull the cord about a minute after, maybe sooner. Then they step off at the next stop. That’s not even the worst of it; sometimes, they’ll actually wait at the bus stop for upwards of twenty minutes for this. They could literally walk to their destination before the bus arrives to pick them up.
That being said, if you run as fast as this guy probably does, you'll always get there before the bus.
Holy heck, it’s already been pulled, you don’t have to keep yanking on it.
For the completely non-initiated, there’s a cord that hangs along the sides of the bus, and you pull it when you want to get off at the next stop. It signals the driver, and is accompanied by a friendly (or not so friendly—more on that in a bit) ding, along with the words “stop requested” that flash on the overhead message board. You only need to pull it once to get it to work.
The problem that comes with this is that there is only one announcement system in the bus, so sometimes that friendly ding won’t sound immediately because the system is saying what street the bus is approaching. Some people, I’ve observed, think that because it didn’t make its noise, it isn’t working. Their solution: pull the cord as hard and as often as humanly possible until they’re rewarded with the chime. Seriously, they’re like test animals or something.
As a side note, I also hate when the chime isn’t soft and nonintrusive, but discordant and loud. I don’t hate it enough to give it its own entry here, though.
"Listen to me!!!!! Listen to me!!!!! Aaaaaaaaaah!"
Oh, and if you care, all of these photos are courtesy of FreeFoto.com. You can tell by the watermarks.
Here’s your link again: http://www.valleymetro.org/
